OLD Somebody Has Issues: The Ponderings of
by Indigo Fireflight
Summary: ... the Epic Lord of the Rings novels by an Insane Person. What sort of insanity ensues when the entire Fellowship is gathered in Rivendell after the War of the Ring? CHAPTER TWO: CLEANING THE HALLS is finally up.
1. Wandering Elrond's Halls

Note: I know this story is really out of character, and this story is pretty much impossible to have happened, but I wrote this last minute for an English assignment, and it's meant to be screwed up. My other friends who are also LOTR fans (Talitha and Pippin/Rachael) read it, and they laughed their guts out, and I hope you do too. Also, I do not own Lord of the Rings, know Tolkien, own Phantom of the Opera, know anyone involved in any production of it, or make profit from doing this (except for my own enjoyment). Anyhow, let the insanity commence.

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"Somebody Has Issues"

The Ponderings of the Epic Lord of the Rings Novels by an Insane Person

Pippin clambered down the hallway. He was bored out of his mind. He entered the room in which Legolas abided in, and saw the elf stroking his hair gently. "My preeeeeeeecioussssss…" he hissed, then squeezed out more shampoo into his hand, which was quivering excitedly. "Must lather it twice, mustn't we, precious? Make it niiiiiiiice and shiiiiiny…"

At that moment, Pippin hurriedly left the room. _Wow, somebody has issues,_ he thought. _Must be all that time he spent discussing politics with Gollum._ The hobbit presently gathered himself and ambled towards Aragorn's room. The door creaked loudly when he pushed it open. The entire room was in disarray, save for a box of chocolates upon his bed with a note attached. The note was, surprisingly, written in the Westron tongue, and it read: "To my sweet bumpkin, may the stars ever shine upon your face. Love, Arwen." Pippin snorted. _Bumpkin?_ He tore off the lid and began eating his way through the chocolates; being the hobbit that he was, he naturally couldn't resist. He was about halfway through the box when Aragorn entered the room. He dropped his knitting needles in shock and protested, "Hey! Those were from Arwen!"

Pippin looked up and grinned impishly. "I know, they're good, eh?" He began licking the chocolate remnants off his fingers. "But you shouldn't eat them; it's not good for you." He paused. "You need all the carbs you can get for your… knitting."

"You know," Aragorn shot back, "I am about to get very tall and scary now."

"Eek!" Pippin shrieked. "Don't do that Gandalf thing! It's frightening!"

"Then get out, out, OUT!" Aragorn shouted.

"Whatever you say… bumpkin." Pippin laughed, then yelped shrilly when Aragorn lifted the hobbit up by the collar and threw him out. The door slammed behind him. _Wow, somebody has issues. Good chocolate, though,_ he thought as he cleaned off yet another fudge-coated finger. _I wonder what Elrond's up to?_

He made his way for Elrond's room, and when he silently opened the door, he saw him crouched on the floor, one hand around his knees, the other holding a pan. He rocked back and forth, so whenever he rocked forward his head hit the pan, and sang, "The-ow-phaaaaaaaaaaaaantom of the-ow-opera is heeeeeeeere, inside my-ow-mind! I'm in a-ow-happy plaaaaace…"

This time, it was Pippin who slammed the door. _Wow, somebody _REALLY_ has issues,_ he thought. Then, he heard the light patter of hobbit feet behind him, and Merry came up beside him. "Hullo, Pip! What are you up to?"

Pippin told him everything he had seen. "Wow," Merry answered, "Somebody has issues."

"My thoughts exactly," Pippin agreed, and they ran off to find pickles to stick in their ears to do the hokey pokey.

THE END

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So, please R&R. Remember, I realize that this could not have possibly have happened, nor is it in character, but it's just supposed to be stupid (though I do have a bit of an expanation for Gollum and Legolas's conversations on politics, but that's for another time). Thanks. :) 

---Merry, Author and aforementioned Insane Person


	2. Cleaning the Halls

Merry: Heylo! Sorry about all this not writing crap. Geez, and I thought I'd have more time to write in the summer, but I ended up moving and not having time, not to mention that the computer was out for a while I did that. Then school started again! Again, I am deeply sorry, especially to those who requested a second chapter. I will now do my best!

Note: I realize the supreme OOCness and the impossibileness (that's so not a word, but you get it) of this tale. Please don't razz me about it. I do not own Tolkien, or Lord of Rings, or anything else in this story, and I don't make money off it. I only own the insanity.

Another Note: This chapter is dedicated to Talitha, my friend, another fellow fanfic writer. She will see why…

**Somebody Has Issues**

**Chapter Two: Cleaning The Halls**

"GAAAAAH!!!"

That, dear friends, was the horrifying cry heard throughout Rivendell the next day. The reason: Aragorn was attempting to tickle Legolas with Elrond's feather duster. And as we all know, Legolas is a very, very ticklish elf.

Legolas ran through the halls, half giggling and half screaming like a girl, Aragorn not far behind, laughing maniacally. The man held the feather duster out in front of him as if he were carrying a spear into battle. Unfortunately, to our sheer disappointment, Aragorn was not fast enough to catch Legolas. Legolas turned his head, laughing at him – and ran straight into a wall.

There was a loud smack which rang out through the entire Homely House. Not concerned at all for his friend's well being, Aragorn laughed. He laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed until his stomach hurt. He laughed until tears flowed from his eyes. He laughed until it felt that his sides were splitting and his ribs were… tickled? He laughed until he couldn't breathe. And then he exploded.

Well, some of us have dreams.

Unfortunately, by the time Sam and Frodo, plus Gimli, came running into the halls, thinking something serious had happened, Aragorn was still whole, and still laughing.

Frodo looked confused. "What happened?"

"Leg… Leg'las… he… he… hee hee hee!" Aragorn couldn't stop laughing. So they deducted from the sight of Legolas lying on the floor and the monster size bruise on his head what must have happened.

"He put on Arwen's make up again?"

"HE RAN INTO THE WAAAAALL!!! HA HA HA!!!" Aragorn was on the floor now, rolling in mirth and whatever dirt was tracked by him and the elf on the once spotless floors. Soon, so was everyone else.

"The… the elf… ran into… into a wall?!? Ha ha!!!" Gimli guffawed. Eventually, they were finished with their outbursts, and they rose slowly.

"That has got to be the funniest thing to ever happen here, Mr. Frodo," Sam chuckled, wiping tears from his eyes. "Going through Mordor was worth it to see that."

"I agree, Sam, I agree," Frodo giggled.

"Forget the elves, I've _got _to come here more often," Gimli said.

"Hey, Legolas!" Aragorn shouted, obviously not heeding the fact that the elf was knocked unconscious. "You should have seen yourself! You were like-" Aragorn began to imitate Legolas, but he suddenly tripped in his high heels. "Curse you, AIP!!!" he yelled.

"Ape? What ape? Where?" Frodo looked about frantically, then he wore a baffled expression. "What is an ape, anyway?"

"The Aforementioned Insane Person," a voice said. "The one who controls what we do. The one who called us all here for her own sick amusement."

"You mean this person knows everything that we do? Sees everything? Controls everything?" Sam asked.

"Yes."

Sam was in a frenzy. "So she knows all my deep dark secrets? Like my secret obsession with muffins, and how I believe in a magical land where all muffins live in harmony? Even worse, she knows that I sing when I bathe?!?"

"Forget about the singing, Sam," Frodo responded, "That means she might have _seen_ you bathe."

Sam looked horrified. "Oh dear God."

"Wait a minute," Frodo said, "Whose voice was that? Who are we talking to? It sounds awfully familiar."

"It is I," the voice said, and a figure stepped – well, closer to them, but stayed in the shadows.

"It's a bird?" Sam guessed.

"It's a plane?" Aragorn assumed.

"What's a plane?" Frodo inquired.

"Shut up, Frodo," Aragorn snapped.

The voice sighed. "No, I'm neither of them." With that, the figure stepped… more out of the shadows. They suddenly knew what it was.

"A tree?"

"No!" The figure leaped completely out of the shadows (finally). They all gasped.

"B-Boromir?" Aragorn gaped at him. "I-I thought you were dead."

"Of course not!" Boromir said, clearly annoyed. "Seriously, haven't you ever heard of checking for a pulse?"

"But we sent you over the falls," Aragorn added. "Why didn't you say something then?"

"Well naturally, I assumed you would hear me screaming 'I'M NOT DEAD!!!' at the top of my lungs as I plunged over the falls in that flimsy slab of wood you called a boat," he retorted.

"I thought it was a bird," Gimli muttered.

Boromir heard him. "A _bird?!?_ How in the heck did you think that was a _bird?!?_"

There was a long pause. "I thought it was a very loud bird."

Boromir chuckled feebly, in the manner of those who are so hit with disbelief it becomes almost amusing. "You mean that you let me go over the falls, without a turn to see if maybe the sound you heard were human words?"

Gimli chuckled a bit, taking his laugh to mean that all was forgiven and he would let it all go. "Well, I suppose, if you put it that way…"

"You dolt!" Boromir yelled. "I was almost killed!"

"I thought you were already killed! How was I supposed to know?!?" Gimli shot back.

"Well for goodness sake, you could have at least _looked_!"

"Well, pardon me, your royal _heinous_, but I believe it was coming to you anyway! I'm not the only one who's almost killed somebody here!"

"That's different! Aragorn tried to take my kingdom, and it was rightfully mine! I had to do to him what I could! It's politics!"

"And that makes it okay?!?"

"Yes, actually, it does! Not that you could understand how politics works!"

"Wait, you tried to kill me?"

"Are you saying I'm stupid?"

"Yes, exactly! Finally, you seem to understand something with your greedy little pea brain, dwarf!"

"You tried to _kill_ me?"

"Oh yeah, well… you smell funny!"

"It's not my fault! I've been trekking throughout the land trying to find everyone! What's your excuse?!?"

"You tried to KILL ME?!? AAAAUGH!" And in that moment, Aragorn, forgetting his high heels, leapt upon Boromir, attempting to knock him to the ground. Instead, Boromir fell back on top of him.

"Unfortunately, I am much more muscular than you, kingdom stealer!" Boromir shouted.

Aragorn retorted, "Oh yeah? Maybe it's because you're just FATTER!"

Boromir gasped. "How dare you! I've been cutting back on my carbs for months now!"

Aragorn snorted. "Yeah, I can tell. Your whole family is a bunch of bunny rabbits that way, aren't they? Especially your father."

"No! I am not doomed to his fate: a creepy stalker with nothing better to do than torture hobbits and set people on fire! JUST THE KING PART!!!" He reached back and pulled Aragorn's hair. Aragorn shrieked and grabbed Boromir's ear.

And that was how Elrond found them: Aragorn and Boromir tussling in a ball on the floor, Sam hyperventilating, saying "AIP… AIP…" over and over again, Frodo looking completely baffled, Legolas barely conscious on the floor, and the duster in the corner, long forgotten.

"So," Elrond mused, "that's what happens when I tell them to clean my halls."

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So... what do you think? Ideas for future chapters? Any way I could improve this? Was it funny? Please review, they make me warm and fuzzy inside. And a note to Talitha... hope you liked it.

Toodles for now,

Merry


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